sticks and stones…

“sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”

whoever said that was an idiot. they had no clue. sticks and stones can cause cuts and bruises, which eventually will heal. they may leave a little scar and maybe even a bit of discomfort. but it’s nothing like the scars hurtful words can leave. those can last a lifetime. they can cut a person like a knife and oftentimes, the person spitting those words out has no clue what the impact their speech can have on the individual hearing them.

many times, things that are said are done so with no intent of it actually being aimed at the person that feels the sting of those words. but when someone talks about another person and has critical words and descriptions about that person, it can affect the one they’re talking to and the talker has no idea.

i’ll be honest here – i’m a “plus size” woman. i’m working on changing that description, but it’s going slowly. i have physical limitations that make it challenging to lose the weight that i need to lose. it’s frustrating. i want to make this change in me so that i live a healthier life and, if i’m going to be honest here, i want to look so much better than i currently do.

recently, i was meeting someone for breakfast and i arrived shortly after the other person did. once seated, this person, who i’ll refer to as “suzy”, goes on to tell me how there was a woman that left just before i arrived that was very large. suzy makes a statement at what she thinks this woman weighed and goes on to describe what she looked like. suzy goes on and on about how she can’t understand how someone can let themselves get to that point. i stay quiet. then suzy drops a bomb. she says, “if i were to get that big, i’d want to kill myself”. wow. did she forget that i am “plus sized”? this is a person that is a huge part of my life. didn’t she think about who she was sitting with, saying words that were so sharp? i felt like someone was stabbing me and twisting that blade to make it hurt in a way that words can’t begin to describe. i couldn’t even think of how to respond, so i just sat there in silence. thankfully, the conversation soon shifted to other topics.

but those words have stayed with me. tonight, they once again popped into my head and this time, the pain i had been feeling since they were initially uttered reached a level that i can’t express. i sat on my bed and sobbed. i sobbed harder than i had in a while. and since i’m on the honesty track here – thinking of that statement “if i were that big, i’d want to kill myself” flooded my brain and for a brief moment (well – maybe more like a couple of moments) it didn’t sound like a bad idea. if suzy really thinks that way about people who are large that she doesn’t know, what does she think about me and my size? and then i began to wonder what others think. it really isn’t supposed to matter what others think of me. and most of the time, i couldn’t care two beans about others’ opinions of me. but i can’t shake that one harsh statement.

16

 

sticks and stone may break my bones, but words can also hurt me.

eye of the storm

life is like a storm right now. there is so much going on – both in my own life and in my local area. this past weekend, there was a mass shooting at a local club – a man claiming to be a member of the radical islamic group isis walked into a club frequented by gay men and started shooting with an assault rifle – killing approximately 50 people and injuring at least another 50 (these are the most recent numbers). whether it was an attack on the lgbt community or anyone else, it was completely senseless.

the day prior to this, a young woman with a blossoming career as a singing artist was murdered while signing autographs at a local venue. someone just walked up to her and killed her. .

then last night a family vacationing at disney world watched in horror as an alligator grabbed their 2 year old little boy. his little body was found today.

i’m still struggling with my own personal issues – but they don’t come close to comparing to the horrors of these last few days.

the storm continues to grow.

we discovered very recently that there is some serious cheating going on in our little game that david has worked so hard on. cheating in the form of players creating fake accounts to get more free stuff from us. it is against our terms of service to do such things. it is very hard to swallow since we’re still a small gaming community. adding insult to injury, the server we use (at our partner’s end) is showing signs of wear ‘n’ tear that is affecting game play – mainly causing slow downs and short interruptions. upgrading means an additional expense. but to keep the game going so that we can offer better service and bring in more players, it has to be done. there are no other options.

 

when will the storm end?

eye-of-the-storm

 

all week, i keep playing a song in my head that is the source of my not completely falling apart. it’s a relatively new song i’ve heard being played on our local Christian radio station – z88.3 fm (www.zradio.org) called “eye of the storm”. the artist, ryan stevenson, sings “In the eye of the storm, You remain in control/And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul/You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn/Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm”. i’m also a huge fan of the song “praise you in this storm” from casting crowns. in that song, the chorus goes like this “And I’ll praise You in this storm/And I will lift my hands/For You are who You are/No matter where I am/And every tear I’ve cried/You hold in Your hand/You never left my side/And though my heart is torn/I will praise You in this storm”

despite my human nature to worry and get down about all that’s going on, i know that God is going to get me through these storms. no matter how hard the rain falls, how fierce the wind blows, how high the waves rise….i will find comfort knowing that God is in control and i will praise Him.

“eye of the storm” https://youtu.be/-sx8wTnnfSc

“praise you in this storm” https://youtu.be/DoqbKyeKOBI

 

rejection

i’ve been feeling pretty low lately and it pretty much involves feeling as if all of my efforts to find a few close friends have been fruitless. i’m almost to the point that i want to stop trying. making the attempts only to have them brushed off are more than i can bear at times. it’s lonely. i want more than anything to have those few ladies in my life where we mutually can rely on one another when things aren’t going so good. the ones that can be called upon to grab a cup of coffee and rejoice in some time of fellowship. the ones that can be called upon for prayer or praise or a venting session. i don’t expect it to happen daily. we all have lives. families; jobs; hobbies; etc….but once in a while is nice.

feel-alone

today, while i was i was volunteering at the local Christian radio station i listen to (i go to their studio office and do data entry), i was sharing my feelings about this and other things that are too hard to write about with someone i’ve come to know and trust and as i sat there with her crying from the pain that dwells so deep inside, she said to me that a word came to mind and wanted to pray. so holding hands, this special person prayed for me. she prayed for peace and comfort as i struggle with so many raw emotions. she prayed for God to show me His love and mercy and if it is in His will, to grant the desires of my heart for that companionship i long for. it was during that prayer that she mentioned the word that God put into her mind – “rejection”.

 

i kept thinking about that word – “rejection” – and to be honest – that was probably the perfect word to describe how i’ve been feeling. but the thoughts quickly began to move past me – i’m not one of those that is “it’s all about me” (although lately it seems like it). while i was typing away on the day’s project, one of the radio personalities came in for her upcoming on air shift. we greeted each other warmly (we’ve known each other for about 3 years now) and i asked how her sister was doing. her sister has cancer and i wanted to know how she was responding to the treatments she’s been receiving. i was saddened to hear that she’s not responding to the treatment and her medical team are going to switch her to something stronger that is experimental. again – the word “rejection” came to mind. there are times that a person can be undergoing treatment for whatever form of cancer they have and their body rejects those treatments. the drugs don’t do their job. rejected.

from there, i thought about how a person in need of some sort of organ transplant has to take drugs to keep the body from rejecting the new organ they’ve received. oftentimes, the drugs do what they’re supposed to do. but sometimes – that new organ is rejected. even with the proper course of treatment, rejection occurs. rejection.

how many people are rejected by the people that they thought loved them? kids are rejected by their peers because they’re a little different. parents reject a child because they have behavioral and/or mental health issues and they refuse to deal with those issues. children reject their parents because they don’t want to follow house rules and don’t like being told what to do or not to do. a man rejects his wife. a wife rejects her husband. a person has a job application rejected. rejection – it happens in all walks of life.

holycross

throughout these thoughts of rejection – the one thing that kept coming to mind was the rejection Christ faced. His own people rejected Him. they mocked Him. they whipped Him. they yelled “crucify Him!!”. they sent Him to die a slow and excruciatingly painful death. Jesus suffered the ultimate rejection. and more than 2000 years later, people still reject Him. they won’t accept that He came to save us from an eternity in a fiery pit. i’ve had people tell me that they know who Christ is but that they don’t “believe in Him like that” (meaning like i do as a Christian – a Christ follower). it makes me sad when i hear people reject Him.

so who am i to complain if people in this life reject me? i have a God who will never forsake me nor reject me. Jesus loves me – unconditionally. and He will always be by my side – even when i’m not 100% sure of that fact. Jesus – He died for me. how can i reject my Lord after He did something so incredible?

maybe i’m not rejected after all……

where are you?

i have been searching for you. it’s been a long search and i wonder if i’ll ever find you. i wonder if i should give up the search or keep looking. i’m not a beggar so i can’t figure out why i continue looking for you.

i’ve lived here for 11 years now. and in the 11 years, i’ve reached out my hand to you, yet you won’t take that chance to take it and see where it can take us. i often wondered if the reason was because for most of the 11 years i’ve been here, i lived a little bit out of the way and you weren’t willing to make that drive (even though i would have done it). how many times have you said, “i’ll call you to set something up” and never called? i’m not sure if you even bothered to offer an excuse as to why there was no call.

you said, “we’ll get together for lunch, dinner, coffee, etc”. did it happen? nope. i’m still waiting.

oh – there were a few occasions when plans were made and literally at the last minute you cancelled with some sort of excuse. not just once. not just twice. but three times.

when i was moving, did you offer to be of any assistance? nope. if the shoe were on the other foot, i would do what i could to help despite my physical limitations. if nothing else, i would offer. and now that i’ve moved – closer to you – still nothing.

did you know that i’m very loyal and i’m great at keeping secrets? if you told me something that was to stay between us and you said “don’t tell anyone” or “don’t tell so and so”, my reply will always be “tell who what?”. i know that you’d then repeat the “don’t tell…..” and i’d have to explain that “tell who what?” means i’m not telling anyone anything. but you won’t take the time to become a part of my life, so that conversation won’t be happening. it’ll be a miracle if it does take place.

it’s a shame that i have to go through life without you. you just don’t know what you’re missing.

it’s a shame that you won’t be my friend. dangerouslee-biz_

gone too soon

broken-heart

my heart is so broken right now

crying-angel-sad-songs-30412497-1024-768

my youth pastor (with whom i’ve worked with for 10 years) called me around 10:15 pm tonight to inform me that one of our youth (a young man who graduated high school last year) drowned today at one of our local beaches. apparently he and a couple of friends got caught up in the rip tides and while the lifeguards were able to save his friends, he went missing for a while and eventually they found his body sometime later not far from where he was last seen.

i can’t even begin to express how i’m feeling. i can rejoice in knowing that he’s in heaven with Jesus, but gosh it hurts so much. i’ve watched this young man grow up in the youth department and experienced his gradual maturity – both as an individual and as a Christian. he had a quiet strength and loved miss lisa (me) despite my weekly badgering to “pull up his pants” (eventually i didn’t have to tell him to do this).

it’s not supposed to happen this way – i’m not supposed to outlive him. i am a grandmother. he had barely begun to live life. i’ve experienced a lifetime of things. he just started. gosh this really stinks. stinks more than words can express.

crying_eyes_by_shadagishvili-d3k14bl

david has asked me how i’m feeling. i can’t seem to find the right words to describe what i feel. i cry. i sit here and stare at nothing. i cry. i try to make sense of it all. i cry. i try to pinpoint what my feelings are in a word or two and fail. i cry.

oh how i’m going to miss him.

God is calling….will you answer?

 

2mofviuzxu0

in yesterday’s entry, i wrote about God speaking to me and how i can honestly and truly hear Him when He speaks. i also shared that i’m in a situation where i know that He’s trying to tell me something but i can’t figure out exactly what it is.

well….this morning, when i went to read one of my daily devotionals, i was floored at the topic. today’s devotion spoke about jonah and his trying to run away from God’s calling to go to ninevah. here’s a small excerpt: “There can be no doubt that Jonah knew that God was calling.”  read the whole devotion at https://www.bible.com/users/Lisacahn/reading-plans/2090-theres-hope-for-today

and then…..david tells me that he was having dreams concerning praying for women (or women praying) in thailand….when i spoke about having a couple of recent occasions where i was led to tears in response to what i believe was God speaking to me, one of those occasions was at church a few nights ago – a family who is going to be missionaries to thailand came to visit and speak about what their plans are and to tell us about the needs of the thai people. my heart began to stir and the more they spoke the more my heart stirred. when the general question was put forth “will you be willing to go to thailand?”, i began to cry. why is that? what is that supposed to mean? i know that many single women get called to the mission field – but a married woman? is that possible?  i have so many questions.

God – i know that you’re calling me and i’m ready to answer the call.